


who do you think of (when you sing about love)

by sunglaze



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Best Friends Choi Beomgyu & Choi Soobin, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, High School, M/M, Pining, can you consider this as angst, gay little soogyu, lets just say it is? well some part of it, soogyu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:27:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24961540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunglaze/pseuds/sunglaze
Summary: Soobin-hyung, do I like you?A question for himself. Beomgyu watches Soobin stare up at the bright night sky. The latter talks about constellations and planets and everything else. Beomgyu would love to listen to the older boy, but his loud thoughts fill up his mind.It’s not a question. The answer couldn’t be any more obvious.Or, the one where Beomgyu moves into a different city and his whole world is turned upside down by a boy who crashes into him with a bike.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin
Comments: 14
Kudos: 166





	who do you think of (when you sing about love)

**Author's Note:**

> hello!
> 
> so i was just listening to a song and i thought "oh this is soogyu" and decided to write a fic based on it... honestly idk what this is... i blinked and suddenly i had 13k words in front of me
> 
> the song is ? (who do you think of) by any name's okay
> 
> give it a listen please its a great song!!
> 
> i hope u enjoy :D

_Who do you think of_

_When you sing about love?_

When Beomgyu is just barely a teenage boy, fresh out of middle school, he stumbles into an unfamiliar city. Everything in Ansan is different from everything in Daegu – from the smell of the air to the way people welcome Beomgyu and his family. For his whole life, his home was Daegu. The familiar buildings, streets and alleyways – it was his home.

Now, in Ansan, everything is different. A new house. A new school. A new uniform. And no friends.

Needless to say, Beomgyu is scared. He’s terrified of starting from scratch when his life was already all settled in Daegu, but of course, life never goes exactly how one would expect it to.

His parents do their best to assure the teenage Beomgyu that everything will be fine. That knowing him, he’ll easily be able to make friends and have the whole school sway with his words. He was that kind of child. But Beomgyu knows that moving to another city means building a new life with new people. Not everyone is going to be friendly towards him.

When Beomgyu first steps in his new school, he feels overwhelmed. Everyone is in groups. In two’s, three’s or even ten’s – no one is alone. All the students belong to a group somehow. Being a teen, Beomgyu knows that no one would easily accept him into their group. He just hopes that he isn’t the only new student in his class.

During homeroom, Beomgyu’s teacher makes him introduce himself to the class. As he does his introduction, he looks at each of his classmates’ faces. One is drooling on his desk, another is putting on lipstick while someone else is yawning shamelessly. If it isn’t any obvious, none of them cares about the new student.

Gone was the cool and popular Choi Beomgyu in Daegu, now replaced by the loner new student Choi Beomgyu in Ansan.

The teacher makes him sit next to the girl who was applying lipstick. When Beomgyu approaches the seats, the girl gives him a onceover as if making a quick judgement if he was worthy of her attention. It doesn’t even take longer than a second for the girl to look away and continue to fiddle with her make-up pouch.

Beomgyu sighs and takes his seat, hoping that the day would get better.

Beomgyu, in his dismay, was completely wrong. The day did _not_ get better. And next. And the day after that. In the first week of school, no one paid attention to him. No one bothered to make the new student feel included. Maybe it was because of the fact that everyone is a teen going through their angsty phase, but regardless, the whole situation makes Beomgyu feel insecure.

It isn’t until the weekend that he finally meets someone around his age.

On Sunday morning, Beomgyu’s mother calls him down to give him the task of purchasing milk from the convenience store at the corner of the street. Reluctantly, the boy takes the money and goes on his errand.

With earphones stuck up his ear and loud music playing, Beomgyu makes his way to the convenience store. It’s nearer than he thought – it’s only at the end of the block.

Despite everything not starting out so well in Ansan for Beomgyu, he wants to stay positive. He wants to believe that maybe, just maybe, his classmates would finally give him a glance and decide to include him in their close-knit groups. He wants to believe that he wouldn’t feel so alone for the rest of his time in Ansan.

Beomgyu is so deep in his thoughts (and his music) that he fails to notice a boy on a bicycle heading right his way. Before he knows it, his earphones are pulled away from his ears and he sits on the ground with a scraped knee. And a boy is on top of him.

The boy, who couldn’t be much older than Beomgyu but is _so much_ taller than him, immediately gets up and dusts off his hands, offering them to Beomgyu.

“I’m so sorry!” Dimples appear on his face when he speaks. “I didn’t know the breaks were broken and I couldn’t turn directions – I’m really, really, really sorry.”

The boy continues to ramble his apologies as Beomgyu takes his hand to help himself up.

“It’s fine, really...” Beomgyu winces in pain.

“Are you sure? You look like you’re in pain...”

Beomgyu takes a look at the boy who had crashed into him. Bright eyes. A dimpled smile. Bangs almost covering his eyes. A face etched with worry. An adorable one.

“Oh my god!” The taller boy’s gasp makes Beomgyu snap out of his daze.

The boy crouches down and inspects Beomgyu’s knee which had been scraped from the impact.

“I’m really sorry... We should get this treated! There’s a convenience store over there.”

Before Beomgyu knows it, he’s being pulled by his arm to the convenience store where he supposedly had to buy milk.

The teen had yet to know that this was the very moment when he’s pulled into a whole new life, much different from what he had in Daegu.

After purchasing bandages from the convenience store and patching their wounds up, the two boys stand awkwardly together.

“Uh...” The tall boy trails.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Beomgyu says, “I’m really fine now.”

“I still feel bad... I mean, I literally crashed a bike into you...” The boy looks down at his shoes in shame.

“Hm,” Beomgyu thinks, “How about you pay for my milk? Since that was the reason why I had to go out in the first place.”

The tall boy slowly looks up, “...Okay.”

Beomgyu shoots him a perplexed look. This shy and timid boy seems much different from the hyperactive boy who had crashed into Beomgyu earlier.

As he leads the nameless boy to the aisle with milk, he introduces himself.

“I’m Beomgyu – I’m new here.” Beomgyu starts, “I just moved from Daegu last week.”

“Oh?” The boy follows him through the cramped aisles. “I’m Soobin. You must be studying at Danwon High School?”

Beomgyu nods, “Do you go there too?” They arrive at the drinks aisle.

“I’m in my second year.” Soobin answers.

Beomgyu makes a face of realization, “That’s why I haven’t seen you there.”

He takes a carton of milk from the shelves, making sure that it’s the brand that he likes.

“So... how’s it going for you there?” Soobin asks him.

Beomgyu leads them to the counter.

“Eh,” He shrugs, “The students aren’t so friendly.”

They stop at the counter. Beomgyu hands the carton of milk to the cashier. The girl, who looks more bored than ever, quickly scans it.

“Oh,” Soobin takes out his wallet, “I would know.” He hands the small bill to the girl.

Beomgyu turns around to face the taller boy and asks, “Why? You don’t have friends too?”

Soobin’s ears quickly go red. “No! I have friends – but some people are just mean.”

The girl bags the carton of milk and hands it to Beomgyu. The boy takes it and leads the way out of the convenience store.

Soobin follows him to where his bike stands. For a moment, Soobin thought that the boy would leave without a goodbye or thank you, but he turns around with shining eyes and asks,

“Soobin, would you like to be friends?”

The taller boy can only nod in agreement.

“Okay. Tomorrow, meet me by my classroom at lunch – I’m in Class 1-B.” Beomgyu quickly waves and makes his way to the opposite end of the street where his house stands.

The next day, Soobin awkwardly waits for the younger boy outside his classroom since they were dismissed early by their teacher. When Beomgyu’s teacher dismisses them, he hesitantly steps out of the classroom. As soon as he sees the tall boy, his eyes light up with relief and joy.

The two boys eat together under the shade of a tall tree at the school field. When Soobin offers Beomgyu his last piece of dumpling, the latter decides that he would do everything to keep Soobin in his life.

Towards the end of his first year, Beomgyu has already grown close to Soobin to the point that if his name was brought up in a conversation, Soobin’s would be soon to follow.

He had gained some friends in his class throughout the year with the help of forced interactions such as group tasks and school activities, but none of those friendships were like his and Soobin’s. The two had known each other for not even more than a year, yet Beomgyu feels as if he has known the older boy his whole life.

Soon enough, the two boys become known in Danwon High School as the best friends who come from different grade levels and had completely different personalities but somehow, fate had managed to let them meet.

Most especially, their teachers became fond of the two as Soobin was often seen helping out Beomgyu in his studies, while Beomgyu was able to bring the introvert Soobin out of his shell. In the eyes of the adults, they were a perfect match.

(Beomgyu would say they were soulmates.)

It was rare to see Beomgyu without Soobin and vice versa during breaks or any school activity. Of course, it was unavoidable as the they’re two busy students with a pile of school work in their hands.

When it does happen, Beomgyu would hang around his classmates who have eventually warmed up to him over the past few months. They aren’t particularly close, but they deem the boy cool enough to sit with them at lunch.

One time, Beomgyu sits with them as Soobin had to finish his homework for his afternoon classes.

The boy silently eats his lunch, not bothering to jump in the conversation as he’s not particularly interested in how the girls in their class look or anything like that. His classmate, however, drags him into the topic.

“How about you, Beomgyu?” His classmate asks.

Beomgyu looks up from his meal, “Me?”

“Who do you like in our class?”

Everyone in the table looks at him.

Beomgyu shrugs, “I like everyone.”

Someone laughs, “Not like that silly. Like, a crush. Someone you like and find pretty.”

“A crush?” Beomgyu takes his time to think of a person but no one comes to mind. “I don’t have one.”

“Right. You’re too busy with that sophomore to be interested in anyone.”

Everyone in the table laughs. Beomgyu brushes it off, but later, it fills up his mind.

While he walks home with Soobin, the thought crosses his mind once again.

(They’ve decided to walk home together since their houses are on the same street, which they realized two days after the bike incident.)

“Soobin-hyung,” Beomgyu calls.

The said boy turns to Beomgyu, “Yeah?”

“Have you ever had a crush?”

“A crush?” Soobin pauses for a moment. “I haven’t had time to think about that.”

“Well, me neither.” Beomgyu says.

“When I’m thinking, it’s mostly either about school or you.” Soobin says mindlessly.

Beomgyu opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes to mind. Soobin continues to walk to the direction of their houses.

The younger boy gives Soobin’s words a thought. Maybe his classmates were right. Maybe he doesn’t have time to think about girls because he’s too preoccupied with Soobin. The older boy said it himself. He doesn’t have to worry about having to think about an attractive female to have a crush on.

For Beomgyu, Soobin is the person that already makes up a big part of his life and that’s what matters.

_Who do the midnight stars remind you of?_

_How do you fall asleep at night?_

_How does heaven feel from up above?_

_From down here it looks sublime_

It’s the summer after Beomgyu’s freshman year. In a few months, he’ll be a sophomore while Soobin will be a junior.

Lately, they’ve been sleeping over at each other’s houses since it isn’t that far of a walk. The two boys have taken advantage of the freedom from school work that would always get in the way of their time together.

Today, it was decided that Beomgyu would sleep over at Soobin’s. They binge watch films of genres ranging from horror to comedy until Soobin’s mom comes up at 11PM to remind them to sleep early. The boys pretend to reluctantly agree and start to get ready for bed.

When the clock strikes 12AM and Soobin’s sure that his parents are asleep, he pulls Beomgyu along to crawl through his window and sit at the rooftop.

That night, the stars shine clearly and the moon glows brightly. The soft light of the sky reflects against Soobin’s pale skin, Beomgyu observes. To him, the stars battle against Soobin’s eyes which seem to shine much brighter than any other celestial body visible in the sky. Beomgyu voices this out.

Soobin laughs at this. “What do you mean the stars are battling with my eyes?”

“You just look pretty, hyung.” Beomgyu answers, the look on his face a bit too serious for the atmosphere.

_Pretty._

Soobin doesn’t say anything for a while.

“I like being here with you.” The older boy says.

“Me too,” Beomgyu nods, “I like being with you, hyung.”

_Like._

_I like you, hyung._ The words go unsaid.

Beomgyu remembers the conversation he had with his classmates a few months ago. When you find someone pretty and you like them, does that mean you have a crush on them?

Soobin is pretty. Oh, he’s so pretty that a flower would look shamefully frail and dry beside him. Whenever the older boy smiles and his dimples come out, Beomgyu can only think, _pretty pretty pretty pretty._

Beomgyu likes Soobin. He likes every moment with the latter – whether the moments are filled with laughs or with simple silence. As long as it’s with Soobin, Beomgyu cherishes that moment.

_Soobin-hyung, do I like you?_

A question for himself. Beomgyu watches Soobin stare up at the bright night sky. The latter talks about constellations and planets and everything else. Beomgyu would love to listen to the older boy, but his loud thoughts fill up his mind.

It’s not a question. The answer couldn’t be any more obvious.

_Soobin-hyung, I do like you._

They head back to Soobin’s room after a while. That night, Beomgyu comfortably holds on to Soobin in his sleep.

A declaration of his feelings, despite only being to himself, has never been more reassuring.

_Is there a way you talk_

_A way you laugh_

_A way you move_

_You save for someone else?_

Beomgyu is an extrovert. In Daegu, he was known to be friends with anyone from every grade level – he knew his seniors, the seniors knew him, and in turn, the whole school knew him. He wasn’t afraid of the attention; everyone was his friend and no one was distinctly special to him.

Moving to Ansan changed that. Despite not having a lot of friends on his first year, people soon grew to like Beomgyu come his second year. Just like before, they’re all his friends; no one is special among them.

However, Soobin, who came first before everyone else, is special to Beomgyu.

Beomgyu’s life in Ansan may have started to pattern his life in Daegu, but everything is different now – all because of one person.

In Daegu, Beomgyu let himself laugh as loud as he can around his friends. He let himself be sentimental whenever the group was sharing personal things. He wasn’t afraid to expose his feelings. What was there to hide, anyways?

In Ansan, however, that had changed. His loudest laugh is reserved for the times whenever Soobin makes a fool out of himself. His widest smiles are saved for when Soobin sneaks stolen picture of him. His rawest emotions are reserved for when Soobin wants to let go of the lock pinning all his feelings back.

Beomgyu only wants to share his most intimate moments with Soobin.

With Soobin, he isn’t afraid to uncover the deepest parts of his feelings. There is something about the older boy that makes Beomgyu just feel so _safe._ He became so used to having Soobin as his only person in his first year that anyone else attempting to match up to Soobin’s position in Beomgyu’s life would quickly lose.

_And I know that_

_There is no mountain to climb down from_

_But knowing you_

_Is touching the sky_

In winter break of Beomgyu’s second year and Soobin’s third, Beomgyu almost explodes.

Soobin knocks at his door at 3AM in the morning and Beomgyu quickly opens the door before his parents could wake up from the loud rapping. There stands a Soobin in his pajamas, hair a mess atop his head, and tears streaking his cheeks.

Beomgyu, filled with concern, quickly pulls Soobin into his home and into the warmth of his chest. The taller boy sobs into his chest. Beomgyu tells him to breathe and once he starts to calm down, the younger leads him to his room.

“What’s wrong, Soobin-hyung?” Beomgyu asks as they settle down on his bed.

It takes a while for Soobin to speak. When he does, it’s an overwhelming surge of emotions that makes Beomgyu furious at the world for making Soobin feel that way.

Soobin speaks of his insecurities – of how he struggles to do what he has to without worrying about anything, how he doubts himself so much lately, how he feels like the world is against him and he only has Beomgyu, and how he doesn’t want to be a burden to Beomgyu by pouring his problems on him.

“Soobin,” Beomgyu takes the boy’s hands in his, “You’re never a burden to me. Remember that.”

Soobin looks at him with uncertainty etched on his features.

“I would gladly take all your burden if it means not seeing you like this anymore.”

Beomgyu wants to _explode._ He wants to tell Soobin that he’s perfect, that nothing is wrong with him. He wants to tell him that he’s always doing his best, and all his efforts are appreciated. He wants to tell Soobin that the world doesn’t deserve his kind heart, that he’s absolutely worthy of love, and nothing less than that. And so, he does.

_Because I love you._ But those words are left unsaid.

Beomgyu’s heart aches at how raw and unfiltered Soobin’s words are. He feels marveled at the fact that Soobin trusts him enough to expose so much of his feelings to him. He wants to climb the highest mountain and shout the loudest he can with his lungs that, _Soobin-hyung trusts me more than anyone else._

Once he’s finished venting, Soobin quickly falls asleep. All the crying had drained him out.

The two boys lie on Beomgyu’s bed, bodies pressed closely against each other. Beomgyu fixes Soobin’s hair against his forehead. His fingers trail down the curve of Soobin’s nose, then to his cheeks.

Beomgyu takes a deep breath.

He presses his forehead against Soobin’s while caressing his cheek. Soobin’s chest slowly rises up and down while Beomgyu’s chest moves erratically from the speed that his heart beats at.

Beomgyu once read in his textbook that in a lifetime, the average person meets around 80,000 people. He would say that he and Soobin have only lived a quarter of their lives – they haven’t met that many people yet. However, he considers himself lucky to be one of the few people that Soobin has shared so much of his life with.

Knowing a person isn’t that big of a deal, but Beomgyu believes that Soobin isn’t simply a person in passing. Knowing Choi Soobin is great luck – living, laughing, and crying with him is something that must be a great deal.

He hopes that in five, ten, twenty, thirty years (and maybe until the end of their lifetime), he will always be a part of Soobin’s life.

After all, he already considers Soobin to be permanent in his life.

_Is there a different kind_

_Of music in the air you breathe_

_That I can't sing or dance with you?_

On Soobin’s fourth and last year of high school, something shifts in their relationship. Beomgyu doesn’t know if it’s for the better or worse.

Soobin has _definitely_ become more intimate and comfortable with Beomgyu.

When they’re walking home to and from school, Soobin doesn’t hesitate to take Beomgyu’s hand in his and intertwine their fingers together. He doesn’t even _bother_ to let go when they arrive at school where many people would pointedly stare at two boys holding hands. Not that it matters to Beomgyu, but he’s not sure if it does to Soobin. Well, considering the fact that he shamelessly holds Beomgyu’s hand, maybe it doesn’t.

Every lunch, when Beomgyu and Soobin sit together, the latter _literally_ spoon feeds Beomgyu. Unlike before, Soobin just offers him his food. Now, however, the older boy takes it to himself to feed the younger. (Not that Beomgyu minds.)

When they’re sleeping over at each other’s house, Soobin hugs Beomgyu tighter than before. Beomgyu would tease Soobin for being so scared of the movie they watched that older is clinging to him so much, but he would only use his sensitivity to the cold as an excuse.

Beomgyu likes to think that it wasn’t the cold. They would wake up in the morning, wrapped tightly in the blankets, and Soobin would still be clinging on to him.

Again, not that Beomgyu is complaining.

In fact, he _loves_ it. He loves how Soobin has grown much more comfortable around him that he feels like he’s losing his mind. If Soobin in the preceding years were too much for Beomgyu to handle, what now that the older boy is all over the younger more than ever?

Beomgyu thinks that if Soobin doesn’t stop being so close to him, he might accidentally just kiss the older boy.

Every time Soobin is too close, Beomgyu finds himself distracted by the way the older speaks with his lips sticking out in a pout. He finds himself distracted with how the older boy’s hands are always either holding his own, or resting on the small of his back.

Soobin is just _too close._

And it’s not easy for someone so in love with him to keep their feelings at bay.

At the same time, Soobin gets busier with preparations for college. They spend much less time together – maybe that’s the reason why Soobin has been touchier lately.

Beomgyu is thankful that despite Soobin having a more hectic schedule, the older still makes time for him as much as he can. If he’s going to be honest, he thought that their relationship would weaken with how senior year would be for Soobin.

But of course, Beomgyu was wrong. Their friendship only grew to be stronger. He likes to believe that Soobin is definitely his soulmate.

The shift in their relationship doesn’t come as easily as one would expect, however. Of course, with how everything in the world is, there are some negative aspects to it.

It’s that Soobin’s smiles and touches makes Beomgyu _ache_ to confess and tell the older how much he likes him.

Every time the older boy comes too close, every time his hands meet the younger’s, the words _hyung, I like you_ threaten to slip from Beomgyu’s lips. It’s only a matter of times until he loses it and bluntly declares his love for Soobin.

But Beomgyu is logical. Contrary to popular belief, he likes to think before speaking. He weighs the pros and cons of confessing, and of course, the biggest disadvantage is that it’s Soobin’s last year in high school and that Beomgyu isn’t so willing to risk their last year in school together for a relationship that he’s longing to have with the boy.

Despite the change in their relationship, there’s no assurance that Soobin returns Beomgyu’s feelings, and even if he does, he might not be willing to start a different relationship with the boy considering the fact that he’s focused on college preparations. Beomgyu doesn’t want to put their friendship in jeopardy by confessing.

The struggle between choosing to confess or not goes on for _months_. Before Beomgyu knows it, it’s only three months before Soobin’s graduation.

Beomgyu’s sitting on his bed with his guitar on his lap while Soobin sits on his desk, completing his homework. The younger boy plays a couple songs while waiting for the older to finish up.

_You’re the one for me_

_I’m in pain because of you_

Beomgyu strums the strings of the guitar as he hums the lyrics of the song. Soobin sings along softly.

_I try to forget you, but it doesn’t help_

_I just end up hating you_

Soobin sighs loudly. He drops the pencil he was holding and closes his book. He makes his way to Beomgyu’s bed and sits beside the smaller boy.

“You should teach me how to play the guitar.” The older of the two says.

“Giving up already on your homework, hyung?” Beomgyu teases him.

Soobin rolls his eyes, “No, I’m done.” He takes the guitar from Beomgyu’s hands.

Beomgyu lets him take the guitar in his lap. “How come you want to learn now?”

The older boy positions his fingers in an A chord – a simple one that he’s learned from all the times that he has watched Beomgyu play the guitar – and strums it with his thumb. The guitar produces a soft and beautiful sound.

“I wanna hear you sing this time.” Soobin says.

Somehow, with those simple words, Beomgyu starts to find it hard to breathe.

“Oh.” Is all he says. It’s silent for a while.

Soobin breaks the silence, “Are you gonna teach me?” He asks.

“Yeah, sure.” Beomgyu shuffles to move closer to the older boy to help him with the chords. He decides to teach Soobin a song with basic chords.

“You start with here...” Beomgyu positions Soobin’s fingers along the strings and between the frets, forming a C chord. He takes Soobin’s left hand and guides it to strum the chord. Soobin follows.

“And then a G chord...” Again, Beomgyu teaches Soobin where to put each of his fingers. He continues to teach him the chords.

Once Beomgyu has taught the older the first four lines of the song, he leans back and says, “Now, try to play it while I sing.”

_I wrote a long letter_

_To the moon one day_

Soobin messily stumbles through the basic chords as Beomgyu sings in a low voice. The younger pauses and laughs at him.

“It’s _not_ as easy as it looks.” Soobin’s lips form into a pout.

Beomgyu continues to laugh, “Let me help again,”

He leans over and starts to fix Soobin’s fingers in a G chord, which the older found a bit more difficult than the others.

Soobin asks something that Beomgyu fails to hear.

“Yeah? I didn’t catch that...” When he looks up, he finds Soobin’s face too close to his own.

Beomgyu holds his breath.

Up close, Beomgyu can see every detail of Soobin’s face. He could trace the sharp curve of his brows, the defined crease of his lids, the soft slope of his nose, and his small but full lips.

Beomgyu takes a second too long staring at Soobin’s lips. It isn’t until Soobin calls out his name that he realizes that he was holding his breath for too long. In a snap, he sits back far away from Soobin’s face.

“I asked if there’s an easier version of the G chord,” Soobin says, features showing a hint of confusion.

For the rest of the night, Beomgyu finds it difficult to bring his full attention to teaching Soobin how to play the guitar. Thoughts of the shape of Soobin’s lips and how it would be like to plant a kiss on them continues to invade his mind. Every time he holds the older’s fingers to position them in a particular chord, he feels a bit too awkward in his skin being completely aware of all the invasive thoughts filling his mind.

After Soobin deems that he’s had enough of guitar lessons from Beomgyu, he heads home and the younger boy is left alone to swim in his delusional thoughts.

_If I just told Soobin-hyung, would these thoughts leave my mind?_

_If I told him, would everything stay the same? Or would I lose the person that I’ve come to trust the most?_

It’s a struggle for Beomgyu. There’s only about four months till Soobin leaves for college in another city, leaving Beomgyu alone in high school for another year.

The two promised that they would both be attending the same university, or at least both study in Seoul. As long as they were close to each other, they would make it. A year of being separated wouldn’t be so difficult for as long as they would reunite again in the next year. Besides, Soobin had promised to his parents that he would come home during the weekends since Ansan wasn’t that far from Seoul.

They could handle it. It wouldn’t be too hard being separated from each other if at the end of the week, they would see each other.

The real question, however, is if _something_ would change if the two aren’t together as often anymore. Would Beomgyu lose his feelings for Soobin?

Would he finally stop having the urge to spill his feelings and uncover his heart bare whenever Soobin is too close to him? Would the distance help him forget how much he wants to hold his hyung much, much closer than he ever did before? Would the less time spent together allow him to finally see Soobin as nothing more but his friend?

At the same time, Beomgyu doesn’t want to let go of those feelings. He wants to keep the older boy close to his heart – he wants to keep loving Soobin.

It might be difficult to keep his feelings to himself at times, but he doesn’t ever want to stop loving Soobin.

_What goes on in your chest_

_That weighs down on your breath?_

_All your what-ifs and what-ares and could-bes?_

On the day of Soobin’s graduation, Beomgyu decides that he’ll confess his feelings.

After months of deliberation, he concluded that Soobin wouldn’t easily let their friendship fade away because of something as simple as romantic feelings. He knew that no matter what Soobin feels, he would never push away Beomgyu. Even if the older has to reject him, Beomgyu is sure that he wouldn’t feel sad because he knows that it won’t be the end of them. That’s just the kind of person Soobin is.

Beomgyu sits through the long hours of the graduation ceremony. He waits until Soobin goes up the stage, receives his diploma, and shakes hands with the principal. Beomgyu’s heart bursts with pride for his hyung – he’s made it. After a year of preparing, he’ll be able to go to the college that he wanted, and he’ll be able to study in the program that he’s dreamed of. Beomgyu feels proud of Soobin for coming this far.

He watches the older boy climb down the stage. As he heads back to his seat, he looks for Beomgyu in the crowd and their eyes briefly meet. Beomgyu gives him a small but genuine smile and Soobin returns it. Once again, Beomgyu feels an overwhelming surge of love and joy for him.

When the ceremony ends, everyone takes pictures with one another. Beomgyu waits for about half an hour for Soobin to finish greeting his batchmates and posing for pictures with them. He watches Soobin’s smile for each photo – he looks genuinely happy. Like a whole weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

Once Soobin has taken a picture with probably everyone, he drags Beomgyu along with him. The younger boy doesn’t even get a chance to ask where they’re going.

The two boys find themselves on the rooftop. They lean on the walls as they catch their breath. Soobin closes his eyes and lets out a breathy laugh.

“I needed to get out of there,” He says, “Too many people swarming around.”

Beomgyu nods, “I get it,” He breathes.

They settle down and lean over the railing, staring at the students rejoicing over a successful graduation – a successful time in high school.

They bask in the silence for a while.

Beomgyu thinks that maybe this is his chance. A chance to finally tell Soobin how he feels about him. For a moment, he considers that maybe he’s risking it too much, but with Soobin leaving for college, he feels overwhelmed with emotions. He needed to tell him _now._

He opens his mouth to speak but Soobin beats it to him.

“Beomgyu,” The older boy starts, “I’m going away for college now.”

“Yeah,”

“You know,” Soobin stares at the crowd below, “I’m gonna miss you.”

Beomgyu looks at him, “I’m gonna miss you too, hyung. Of course, I would.”

Soobin lets out a heavy sigh, “Hey, I hope nothing changes, Gyu...”

“Yeah?” They’re now looking at each other.

“Even if we don’t get to see each other as often, I hope we stay the same.” Soobin breaks eye contact and shifts his gaze back to the crowd, “You’ll always be first to me. I don’t think anyone I’ll meet in college can replace you.”

“Of course, hyung.” Beomgyu fiddles with his own fingers, “No one could replace you too.”

“Even if anything unexpectedly happens, we’ll still be friends, right?”

_Friends._ Yeah, Beomgyu could do that.

The younger boy nods his head. “The bestest of friends, like always.”

Maybe today wasn’t the best day to confess.

Beomgyu continues, “Nothing would change that.”

“I know.” Soobin smiles, “I just needed to hear it from you.”

Maybe Beomgyu read Soobin’s smiles wrong.

“C’mere,” Soobin quickly pulls Beomgyu into a tight and warm hug.

Maybe he read Soobin’s touches wrong.

Soobin runs his fingers through Beomgyu’s dark hair. “I’m gonna miss you,” He says.

“I’ll miss you too, hyung.” Beomgyu says against the taller boy’s chest. His words come out muffled.

_Friends._ Of course, nothing would change that. Soobin doesn’t want anything to change that. That’s fine. Beomgyu had already thought of this exact possibility. He just didn’t expect that it would be the one to occur when he finally decides to confess. Maybe he had hoped for something a bit better.

Beomgyu reminds himself that regardless of anything, he’s lucky to love Soobin, and that he never wants to stop loving him.

_What are secrets you hold?_

_All the truths that you know?_

_Everything that the eye and hand can't see?_

It’s been five months since Soobin started college and moved to Seoul. Objectively, nothing has changed much. Just as they had promised, they stayed as good friends. They still talked a lot through texts or calls, and Beomgyu would sometimes visit Soobin at his dorm. Everything is just like how it was when they were both in high school; the only difference is that Soobin is less physically present.

Soobin comes home every weekend just like he had promised to his parents, and he was able to hang with Beomgyu during those days. Sometimes, though, he’d get too busy with school work that he’d have to stay in his dorm. He never fails to tell Beomgyu whenever he won’t be able to come home.

Whenever Soobin comes home during the weekends, Beomgyu sees how tired he is, especially that he’s still adjusting to a whole new life. He sees how deep the bags under his eyes are, how fatigued he seems, and how less lively his laugh sounds.

But Beomgyu knows that coming home is a healing time for Soobin. When he leaves for Seoul again on Sunday, the older seems much livelier than when he came home. He’s glad that Soobin is able to take a break from everything whenever he comes home.

He’s thankful that the distance didn’t cause them to drift apart from each other. But he does regret not telling Soobin about his feelings on the day of his graduation.

Every day, Beomgyu’s longing for his hyung grows stronger. He doesn’t tell Soobin, but he misses the older more each day. He sees how much college has taken a toll on Soobin, and he doesn’t want to add to that by confessing his feelings.

Sometimes, Beomgyu wants to be selfish. He wants to forget everything, that Soobin’s safe place is his home in Ansan, which includes Beomgyu. He wants to forget the risks of confessing. He wants to forget that he might cause Soobin to lose his safe place once he does it.

More than that, he can’t ever find the time to confess to Soobin. Before the older boy even gets to come home, he tells Beomgyu through text everything that he wants to do and show him when the weekend comes. He would text the younger how they should go to the small ice cream shop that they always went to, or how they should check out the new season of some anime. Beomgyu doesn’t want to ruin Soobin’s little joys during the weekends.

The urge to confess was always there, especially if Soobin was physically close to him, but Beomgyu has already learned the magic of suppressing one’s love for their best friend.

On some nights, when Soobin’s back at Seoul, Beomgyu would wrap himself in thick blankets and sob into his pillows.

_I wish I told him_. _I should’ve told him_.

The boy likes to live a life without regrets, and right now, he only has one regret.

If he told Soobin on the rooftop of their school building, he wouldn’t be hurting this much. He wouldn’t be aching to scream on the top of his lungs out of frustration.

He just _wants_ to tell Soobin how much he loves him. But he could only watch the older boy come and go every weekend. Three days aren’t enough for him to muster up the courage to say the three words.

It’s like a videogame, Beomgyu thinks. When he opens his door for Soobin every Friday afternoon, the game starts. Three days of battling with himself on what to do with the feelings swimming in his chest. In those three days, he can’t find it in himself to say anything. On the third day, when Soobin hops on the bus to Seoul, the game ends. And when he comes home again on the next weekend, the game is reset and everything is back to square one. For five months, Beomgyu’s gamble with his feelings feels like a game that he can’t finish.

He feels that he isn’t able to genuinely enjoy his time with Soobin with how caught up he is with his feelings.

_Soon._ Beomgyu tells himself. _I’ll tell him when the time is right._

_Would you forgive a friend_

_For asking you questions that don't matter in the end?_

In December, Soobin is stuck at his dorm due to the amount of school work he had, which means having to spend his birthday there.

He informs Beomgyu of this through text. Beomgyu decides that he won’t let Soobin spend his birthday alone at his dorm. And so, he plans a small surprise for the boy.

The fifth of December falls on a Saturday, thankfully, so Beomgyu doesn’t have to miss school. The night before, he packs up a bag just in case he has to sleep over at Soobin’s dorm (he probably will – hopefully, his roommate won’t mind that much). He doesn’t forget to pack up his gift for the older boy and all the other things he needed for the small celebration.

Early in the morning, he takes a bus to Seoul. The travel doesn’t take too long – it’s only about an hour. Beomgyu spends the whole time worrying.

He hopes that Soobin won’t mind having some time for his school work taken away. The boy deserves it anyway, Beomgyu believes. He also prays that Soobin didn’t have any other plans; it would suck if Beomgyu would have to wait outside of his dorm all day because Soobin was out finishing a project.

The bus finally comes to a stop near Soobin’s university. Beomgyu hops off and inhales. _Ah, the smell of pollution._ It’s been more than a month since he last visited Soobin that he forgot how completely different the air is in here. Both literally and figuratively.

Beomgyu pulls up the maps app on his phone and types in the name of the building in which Soobin’s dorm was located. Once he’s done, the app shows that it’s about a fifteen-minute walk from the bus stop where he currently stands. Soobin’s university is pretty large, alright. Beomgyu hopes that the older is coping well with the walks from building to building knowing how unathletic he is.

As he walks to Soobin’s dorm, Beomgyu takes his time to observe the university campus and the students. Everyone looks like a typical college student – dark bags under their eyes, binder on one arm and a coffee on the opposite hand more often than not. The sight gives Beomgyu a slight feeling of dread, knowing that he’ll be one of those students in the coming year.

After a long walk, he finally finds himself in front of the building. He steps inside and write his record at the front desk briefly.

Beomgyu steps inside the elevator and presses the button for the third floor. His fiddles with the strings of his hoodie as he waits for the elevator to arrive. After what seems like a minute longer than normal, the elevator comes to a stop and dings. Beomgyu steps out.

_Room 304._

Beomgyu stands in front of Soobin’s dorm.

He clenches his fist and unclenches it before knocking at the door. He hears Soobin shuffling in the room, probably scrambling to open the door. The thought makes Beomgyu smile.

“Just a moment!” Soobin calls from the other side of the door. Beomgyu’s smile widens as he hears his hyung’s voice.

Finally, the door opens and reveals a disheveled Soobin – reading glasses low on his nose, shirt a little bit misaligned on his shoulders, and his hair looking like a bird’s nest.

Soobin’s eyes widen, “Beomgyu?”

“Soobin-hyung!” Beomgyu comes in for a hug.

Soobin lets out a laugh, “Gyu!” He takes the younger boy in his arms.

“Happy birthday, hyung.” Beomgyu mumbles against the older boy’s neck.

“I didn’t expect you to come,” Soobin says.

Beomgyu pulls away from the hug and looks at Soobin, “Of course, I’d come, hyung. I couldn’t let you suffer on your birthday.”

Soobin laughs, “Come in.”

He leads the Beomgyu inside the dorm and the latter leaves his shoes just by the door. The place looks much cleaner than the last time Beomgyu visited. Soobin’s roommate probably already scolded him for his messy habits.

“Where’s your roommate?” Beomgyu asks.

“Oh, he’s out for the weekend.”

Soobin leads him to his room. When he opens the door, Beomgyu is once again met with a definitely much cleaner room than what he saw last time.

“That means I can stay here for the weekend, right?” Beomgyu drops his heavy bag on the side and throws himself on Soobin’s bed.

“Yeah, of course.” Soobin joins him on the bed and hugs him with his whole body.

Beomgyu laughs, “Are you gonna sleep? When I just arrived?”

“Mm,” Soobin hums, “I woke up early to study. Now, I just wanna take a nap with you.”

Beomgyu gets comfortable in their position. “If that’s how you want to spend your birthday, then I can’t really complain.”

“Hm? What do you mean?” Soobin closes his eyes and pressed his face against Beomgyu’s chest, “Wake me up in an hour and I’ll let you do whatever you planned.”

“What makes you think I have something planned? I was just gonna take you to the nearest ramen place.” Beomgyu teases.

Soobin inhales deeply into Beomgyu’s chest, “You smell good.”

“And anywhere is fine as long as it’s with you.” The older boy drowsily adds before he falls asleep.

Soobin first wakes up a little half past twelve. The younger boy doesn’t wake when he gets up from the bed, so Soobin proceeds to fix his notes while waiting for the boy to wake up. Before Beomgyu arrived, Soobin’s notes and text books were scattered across the floor on the other side of the bed; his desk was too small for him to lay out all his student materials.

It doesn’t take Beomgyu too long to wake up, so by one o’clock, the two boys find themselves in a ramen place just a couple blocks from Soobin’s dorm. As they wait for their orders to arrive, the two catch up – as if they don’t have each other updated every hour through text.

“Y’know, you became popular when I graduated,” Soobin says.

Beomgyu raises his eyebrows, “Not really – I just got to spent more time with other people.”

“Yeah? Maybe I held you back from that all those years.”

The younger boy was quick to shake his head in disagreement, “That’s not true, hyung.”

Soobin leans back on his seat, “I heard a lot of people confess to you?”

Beomgyu snorts, “They’re all just small crushes. I doubt anyone of them really likes me – none of them were my friends, actually. A lot were coming from lower grade levels.”

“Isn’t that how high school works, though? Everyone has a crush on the popular one, never mind their personality.”

“Is it different in college?” Beomgyu asks, “Have you already found someone you like, Soobin-hyung?”

Suddenly, Beomgyu seems a lot more serious.

“No,” Soobin answers, “There isn’t anyone I like here.”

Beomgyu looks at him straight in the eye, “There isn’t anyone I like in high school, either.”

Soobin breaks eye contact and scans their surroundings – anywhere but Beomgyu’s eyes. “So, you turned down all the confessions?”

“Of course,” Beomgyu says confidently, “None of them know me enough. Not like you do, anyways.”

“Oh,” Soobin breathes.

A waiter approaches their table and lays the bowls of ramen in front of them. The two boys fall silent. The waiter leaves and they start to dig into their meals.

A few moments pass before Beomgyu opens another topic. They talk about a lot of things – Soobin’s classes, his annoyingly weird classmates, how everything is back in Ansan, and everything else in between. When they finish their meals, they continue their conversation while walking around the streets of Seoul.

As they walk, they stray a little bit farther from Soobin’s university and they find themselves in the middle of busy streets. Street food vendors are everywhere, small shops are lined up next to each other on the streets, and cafes are found at every block they pass. People are rushing around them – some in work attire, some in high school uniforms and some just casually strolling around in small groups just like Soobin and Beomgyu.

They come across an arcade and the two boys decide to spend their time there. They play every game they find – a zombie escape game, air hockey, the claw machine (which Beomgyu spends thirty minutes on until he finally retrieves a fluffy heart keychain that he gives to the older boy).

Soobin wins most of the time, but Beomgyu keeps on insisting that he was going easy on the boy since it was his birthday. Just before they’re about to leave, they spot the photobooth by the exit, and they spend half an hour taking pictures and putting horrible filters over them.

(A high school couple waited minutes for them to finish but proceeded to stomp off in annoyance after seeing the two boys take picture after picture while laughing over themselves.)

When they come out of the arcade, the sun has already set. Beomgyu pulls Soobin to a restaurant that is definitely fancier than the one they had lunch at. The ceilings are high, the lights are bright, and the walls are glass; the bustling crowd can be visibly seen from their seats. They can also see how the sky transitions from a light blue to a mix of pink and purple, and then finally to a dark navy blue.

Soobin whines at how Beomgyu has _probably spent too much_ on him, but the latter argues that it’s fine, it’s Soobin’s birthday and that he _deserved it a lot._

Their meals arrive fairly quickly – they both ordered pasta, which was probably more expensive than it should be. Soobin doesn’t comment on that anymore.

When they finish up their meals, Beomgyu pays up and they leave the fancy restaurant. Outside, they’re hit with cold and breezy air. It’s a good thing that they brought their coats when they went out for lunch, Beomgyu thinks. But of course, Soobin is sensitive to the cold – as soon as they felt the colded, he started sneezing and dug his hands into the pockets of his coat.

Beomgyu links his arm around Soobin’s and pulls him to the convenience store across the street. Once they enter, they’re immediately met with warmth. Soobin sighs in relief.

Soobin sits down on one of the benches while Beomgyu goes to the drinks aisle. He quickly fixes up two cups of hot chocolate and makes his purchase at the counter. Once he’s done, he sits down with Soobin and places the warm cup in front of him. The boy takes it and uses it to warm up his cold hands.

“All better now, hyung?” Beomgyu asks.

“Mhm,” Soobin nods before taking a sip from the cup. He lets the beverage warm his mouth.

“You didn’t have to come all the way here for me,” Soobin tells Beomgyu.

“I wanted to.” Beomgyu smiles softly.

Silence envelops the two boys. They keep themselves busy with their drinks.

“We should head back to the dorm.” Soobin says once they finish their drinks.

Beomgyu nods and stands up. He pushes the glass door open and lets Soobin out first. From behind, he sees the older boy shiver.

“You’re cold again?” Beomgyu laughs. He takes their cups and disposes it in the bin just beside the glass doors.

“Ah, I should’ve brought gloves.” Soobin comments.

Beomgyu approaches him and takes his hands in his. He rubs both of their hands together in an attempt to share his warmth.

“Is this helping?”

Soobin chuckles, “Barely, but I appreciate it.”

“Let’s just head back.” Beomgyu laughs.

They drop their hands to their sides – Beomgyu’s left hand still holding Soobin’s right hand. They make their way down the crowded streets.

Soobin tugs Beomgyu’s hand, “The warmth isn’t balanced. My other hand is cold.”

“How do you want me to hold you, then?” Beomgyu turns around, facing Soobin. He takes Soobin’s other hand and starts walking backwards, leading the older boy.

“Like this?”

Soobin laughs in return. “No, silly.” He pulls Beomgyu back to his side.

“It’s fine. It’s just a few minutes more.” Soobin pockets his other hand in his coat.

They pass by the vendors, cafes and shops that they came across earlier in the day. In the night, everything seems much busier. There are more customers lining up at the food vendors, and the cafes are filled with more people.

Beomgyu swings their arms between them like how a child does. They finally emerge from the crowded streets and walk along the quiet and seemingly deserted streets.

“Hey, Soobin-hyung.” Beomgyu starts. “I’m graduating in two months.”

Soobin waits for him to continue.

“Do you think I’ll make it here?” Beomgyu asks.

“Here in Seoul?”

Beomgyu nods.

“Of course, Gyu.” Soobin squeezes his hand in reassurance, “I know you’ll make it.”

Beomgyu licks his lips that had gone dry from the cold.

“I’m just kinda scared. A lot can change in two months.” He sighs, “And if I don’t make it here, I might lose you, hyung.”

Soobin stops walking and pulls at Beomgyu to stop too.

“Beomgyu, look at me,” He says, “We’re not gonna lose each other, okay? Even if you end up in a different school, or even a different city, you’ll still be my best friend. Look, we’ve made it this far despite being far from each other – nothing is gonna change so suddenly.”

Beomgyu hesitates to voice out his thoughts – but he does it anyway, “What if you meet someone else in those two months? College is a pretty big thing with a lot of people to meet and I’m not exactly irreplaceable.”

“Hey,” Soobin pulls Beomgyu closer, “You may think that but I’m telling you now that I’m not planning to replace you any time. Not ever. You take up so much space in my life – not that I’m complaining – in fact, I’m grateful. It’s only ever going to be you, okay?”

Beomgyu looks at Soobin. The older boy’s eyes shine with candor.

“You got that?” Soobin brings up his hand to grasp Beomgyu’s cheek.

Beomgyu nods, feeling Soobin’s cold hand against his face. Out of habit, his hand comes up to hold Soobin’s.

Before Beomgyu knows it, Soobin pulls him closer than ever, which causes him to close his eyes, and suddenly, their lips meet each other.

_Warm_. Beomgyu thinks. Soobin’s lips are warm against his own, despite his hand being freezing cold on the side of Beomgyu’s cheek. Beomgyu kisses back and pulls Soobin by his shirt (if he could be pulled any closer), and the latter lets him. Soobin’s hand moves to Beomgyu’s waist and he squeezes his side.

Seconds pass and they pull away from the kiss. Their foreheads remain pressed against each other’s as they catch their breath. Beomgyu doesn’t dare to open his eyes. He feels Soobin’s chest quickly rise up and down from his grasp on the boy’s shirt.

“Was that okay?” Soobin breathes, still not separating from the younger boy.

Beomgyu lightly nods his head in response.

Slowly, their bodies separate.

“We should head back.” Soobin says.

“Yeah.”

They make their way silently to Soobin’s dorm. A little too silently. Their own hands remain at their sides, not anymore linked together. Beomgyu is a little bit too aware of Soobin beside him. He notices how his own breathing pattern is much quicker than the older boy’s, how their feet don’t match each other’s walking pace, how Soobin’s hands stay completely still at his sides, and how distance between them is too large.

When they arrive at Soobin’s dorm, the silence is broken by the keys jingling against each other as Soobin works the door open. Once it opens and he hangs the keys by the wall, they’re once again met with empty silence.

They take off their shoes and Beomgyu accidentally hits Soobin’s arm with his shoulder when he leans down to place his shoes on the rack.

“Sorry.” He whispers, not wanting to break the silence.

“It’s fine.” Soobin replies, voice much lower than usual.

Soobin heads to his room and Beomgyu follows suit.

“You can use the shower first.” He tells Beomgyu.

Beomgyu nods and takes the clothes and other necessities he packed in his bag. He leaves Soobin’s room, heads to the bathroom and closes the door locked.

He lets out a heavy sigh. It’s painfully awkward.

_What was the kiss all about?_ Beomgyu wonders. As far as he can recall, he was _not_ the one who initiated it. _Or maybe I was?_

He shakes his head as if trying to get rid of the mess in his head. He can’t recall anymore with how quick everything was. Why would Soobin kiss him? Was it all a spur of the moment? Or was it something else?

He gets in the shower and turns it to the warmest setting.

_What’s going to happen now? Will this change everything?_ Since Soobin entered college, Beomgyu did everything he could so nothing would noticeably change between them. He tried his best to never let the distance get to them. He contacted Soobin as much as he could despite coming home tired from school. He did his best to avoid any unanswered calls from his hyung. He didn’t want anything between them to change.

No – even before that, he did everything he could to suppress his feelings for the boy so that they would stay the same throughout high school. He ignored every urge to confess and every impulse to kiss Soobin for so long. He pushed the growing frustration far down his throat so that he wouldn’t feel it anymore whenever he was with the older boy.

Is one kiss going to make all that effort go down the drain?

Beomgyu didn’t know what kind of change the kiss would bring – he could only hope that it won’t cause the two of them to drift apart.

Once he’s done, he turns off the shower and dries himself. He dresses himself slowly and takes a minute longer to brush his teeth. He’s afraid of what he’ll be met with once he leaves the bathroom and faces Soobin.

Either way, he had to go back to the room. He takes his dirty clothes and folds them neatly into a pile and heads back to Soobin’s room.

“I’m done.” Beomgyu announces as he stuffs his things back in his bag.

Soobin looks up from his phone. Wordlessly, he takes his own things and heads to the bathroom.

Once the older boy is out of the room, Beomgyu throws himself to the bed and silently screams into a pillow. It’s so _awkward_ and he has no idea how to respond to everything.

With the silence in the room, he deliberates with himself and decides that he’s not going to bring it up. He’s going to wait until Soobin does, even if it takes him twenty more years into their friendship. _If_ they would last that long.

Besides, Soobin was the one who kissed him first, if Beomgyu recalls everything correctly. He wants to believe that he did – he knows that even subconsciously, he could _never_ do anything that would put their friendship at risk. All those years of effort makes him put enough trust in himself to never do anything like that.

Beomgyu takes a moment to collect his thoughts. If it was unintentional on Soobin’s part, then they could easily ignore it and Beomgyu could go back to pushing his feelings back down. If it was intentional, however, he doesn’t know why Soobin would do it. He doesn’t even want to go _there_ assume things _._ If it is _that,_ Beomgyu’s whole world would be turned outside down, but it’s a thought so unfathomable that he wants to push aside that possibility.

The door opens, pulling Beomgyu out of his thoughts. Soobin finished quicker than he had expected. Beomgyu steals a glance and sees that Soobin’s hair is still wet and his skin is still a bit pink from the hot shower. He turns around and pretends to be busy with his phone.

Beomgyu feels the other side of the bed sink as Soobin sits on it. _Of course._ He almost forgot that they were going to share a bed.

He hears cloth rustling – Soobin is drying his hair with his towel. He takes a while before turning off the lamp and lying beside Beomgyu.

Beomgyu waits for him to speak.

“Good night, Gyu.” Is all Soobin says.

_Oh well._ Beomgyu doesn’t know what he expected anyways.

“Happy birthday, hyung.” He whispers.

Beomgyu closes his eyes and tries his best to ignore the fact that Soobin’s lying just beside him. He wills himself to sleep and soon enough, sleep takes over his whole body.

Morning comes and Beomgyu finds himself in the same position that he slept in when he normally never keeps still in his sleep. Maybe it’s due to the fact that his body was hyperaware of the boy sleeping beside him.

When he checks the time, it’s only seven in the morning; a reasonable time to get up since they went to bed early last night.

Beomgyu prepares for his departure. He checks the bus schedule on his phone and once he’s done, he heads to the bathroom to wash up and dress for the day. While he’s finishing up in the bathroom, he hears someone in the kitchen, which means that Soobin is probably already up and preparing breakfast.

  
When Beomgyu enters the living room, he’s met with the smell of pancakes and coffee. He sits on the table and thanks Soobin for preparing food. They eat in complete silence.

“I’ll be getting on the 11:30 bus.” Beomgyu says.

“Oh. Should I take you to the bus stop?”

Beomgyu thinks it over.

“No, it’s fine. It’s not too far anyways.” He says.

Soobin nods as he takes another bite of the pancake.

If Beomgyu is going to be honest, he wasn’t planning to head home so early in the morning. In fact, he planned to spend the day helping Soobin however he can with his studies, since he knew that the older still has a lot of tasks to do. He would still be able to spend time with the boy anyways. Now, however, with the recent turn of events, Beomgyu feels that it’s too awkward to stay any longer.

He thought that everything would go back to normal in the morning, but it’s still quite awkward. Maybe it’s the fact that none of them dared to speak first and say anything about what happened, but Beomgyu had already decided that he doesn’t want to be the first to bring it up.

Once they’re done, Soobin takes their dishes to the sink. Beomgyu offers to help, but the older insists that it’s fine and does the dishes by himself while Beomgyu sits on the couch on his phone.

Soobin finishes doing the dishes and hesitantly sits on the couch next to Beomgyu with a little bit more distance than normal. The latter doesn’t look up from the phone. He pretends to be busy with nothing.

“Beomgyu,” Soobin starts.

Beomgyu wants to squeeze his eyes closed and cover his ears. _Here it is._ He wills himself to look at Soobin.

“Yeah?” He asks.

“About last night...” Soobin trails.

Beomgyu waits for him to continue. He thinks of all the possible things that Soobin might say. He anticipates the worst, even. If Soobin is going to say something like having to break off their friendship, then the younger boy should prepare himself.

“... I don’t think I should’ve done that.”

Beomgyu feels a part of him break, just a little. He expected something along those lines among the many other possibilities, but he didn’t really expect that Soobin would _actually_ say that one.

“I’m sorry, Gyu.” Soobin bites his lower lip out of nervousness, “I hope this doesn’t change anything between us.”

Beomgyu weighs his options. Should he be honest with how he feels, or should he take Soobin’s apology and let everything go back to normal? After all, that’s what he has been trying to keep for so long. His friendship with Soobin. In a haste, he decides on the latter.

“It’s fine, hyung...” Beomgyu says. There’s no going back now.

Beomgyu continues, “It doesn’t really bother me much, really. I just didn’t know how you felt last night, so I didn’t want to say anything.”

Soobin sighs in relief, “I’m glad. C’mere,” He pulls Beomgyu into a hug and the boy complies.

Once again, Beomgyu feels that ache whenever Soobin comes too close to him. He feels it more than ever.

Beomgyu loops his arms around Soobin’s waist, savoring the short moment. Everything was fine now. It was just a spur of the moment – not important enough to change anything between them.

At least, nothing important to Soobin.

_It’s fine._ Beomgyu reminds himself. The situation is completely in his favor. He was expecting the worst, but fortunately, nothing of the likes happened. But somehow, it doesn’t feel right to him. Still there was the scream of frustration rising up his throat that he has to stomp down on once again.

Soobin pulls away from the hug. “Do you wanna do anything before you leave?” He brushes Beomgyu’s hair away from his eyes.

“Just a movie?” Beomgyu offers.

Soobin’s mouth turns up into a small smile. “Alright.”

He gets up from the couch to get his laptop from his room. When he returns, he brings a blanket along which he gives to Beomgyu. The younger boy makes himself comfortable on the couch as Soobin settles down beside him.

Soobin puts on The Little Prince, a story that Beomgyu has always been fond of. They’ve watched the movie a couple of times before, but Beomgyu thinks that his hyung picked the right movie anyways. Soobin places the laptop on the coffee table in front of the couch.

Beomgyu lowers his body and settles his head on Soobin’s lap. Naturally, the latter’s hands move to play with the former’s hair. Soon enough, Beomgyu starts to feel sleepy from Soobin’s light touches and not long after that, he falls into a nap.

When the movie finishes, it’s a quarter to eleven. Soobin shakes Beomgyu’s shoulders lightly to wake him up. The younger boy slowly opens his eyes.

“You should leave soon, Gyu.” Soobin says in a soft voice.

Beomgyu rubs his eye, “I fell asleep?” He says drowsily.

“Mhm,”

Beomgyu gets up from the couch and stretches his limbs. “I must’ve killed your thighs after sleeping for so long,”

“M’sorry,” He adds sheepishly.

Soobin laughs, “I don’t mind.”

He, too, gets up and stretches his limbs to get the blood flowing back.

Once they’re settled, Soobin heads to his room to change from his pajamas as he insisted on walking with Beomgyu to the bus stop. The younger boy takes his bag from the room and makes sure he doesn’t leave anything behind.

After Soobin has changed, they leave the dorm and make their way to the bus stop. On the way there, they don’t say much, but Beomgyu knows that the silence is different from the one last night. This one is more comfortable and looser; the tension iis gone.

The tension between them, at least.

The two boys arrive at the bus station ten minutes before the bus comes. They talk about their plans the next time that they see each other again.

Soon, the bus arrives. The two say their goodbyes and hug each other once again. Beomgyu climbs up the bus – he looks back and sees Soobin waving at him. He gives the boy a small smile.

He scans his transport card and takes a seat at the very back of the bus. He sees Soobin through the window, still smiling at him.

Finally, the bus gets filled with passengers. Beomgyu gives one last wave to the smiling Soobin as the bus departs.

Once it travels far enough, he lets himself lean back on the seat. Immediately, the tears spill from his eyes. He tries to hold them back but it’s no use. Giving up, Beomgyu hangs his head low and lets the tears fall on his lap.

It wasn’t easy to hold everything back in front of Soobin.

If Beomgyu is going to be completely honest, he thought that he could finally tell Soobin how he feels. He thought that maybe, _just_ maybe, Soobin likes him back. It had seemed so farfetched, but since Soobin initiated the kiss, Beomgyu thought that maybe there was a possibility of that being true. Now, however, he realizes that he was right. The thought really was unfathomable.

Naturally, a small part of him had hoped for Soobin to return his feelings. Maybe that’s why it hurts so much. He shouldn’t even have let that thought enter his mind. But of course, that’s nearly impossible.

He tells himself that he should be grateful that Soobin was quick to forget everything and return back to normal, but somehow, he can’t bring himself to be too happy about it. He wanted something _more_ than that. He always has, even when they were both in high school.

Still, Beomgyu doesn’t want to complain. He’ll take anything at this point, as long as Soobin will still be part of his life.

A week passes since Beomgyu last visited Soobin in Seoul. Just as Soobin had hoped, nothing changed between the two; texts were still exchanged regularly and calls were still made frequently.

Beomgyu, on the other hand, was having a difficult time with himself. He can’t even count the number of times that he has typed and erased _I like you, hyung_ over the past week. He just wants to leave his feelings out in the open so bad, but when he thinks of Soobin’s words, he loses his confidence.

On a Friday night, he gets a text from Soobin while he’s doing his school work.

_I’m coming home now._

This catches Beomgyu by surprise.

_Now? It’s 9PM, hyung._ He types in and sends the message.

Soobin immediately texts back. _Doesn’t matter. I’m already on my way._

Beomgyu wonders what made Soobin suddenly want to come back home. He tries to focus on his school work while waiting for his hyung to arrive, but it’s a lost cause. He gives up and distracts himself with his phone instead.

He picks anxiously on the skin around his nails. Time is moving too slow, he thinks.

_Did something happen?_ Beomgyu sends the message.

Soobin takes a while to reply. _I’ll tell you when I get there._

This leaves Beomgyu even more anxious. There’s not even a hint about the topic. He just hopes that it isn’t anything too bad. _Maybe Soobin just got homesick,_ Beomgyu considers. _That’s probably it._

An hour and a half passes when Beomgyu receives another text from Soobin.

_I’m at the convenience store on our street._ It says.

Beomgyu is quick to pull on a hoodie and rush downstairs. He doesn’t bother telling his parents that he’ll be out since they’re probably asleep anyways. He quietly shuts the door and makes his way down the dark street.

At the other end of the street where the convenience store is located, he sees Soobin leaning against the glass windows of the small store. Beomgyu can’t see his face from afar, but the bright lights behind him cast long shadows on the concrete.

As Beomgyu gets closer to Soobin, he starts to walk faster. The older boy doesn’t notice him until he’s only three houses away.

When Soobin sees Beomgyu, he stands up straighter from his spot, but he doesn’t dare to walk towards him.

Beomgyu reaches the convenience store – he’s a little bit breathless.

“Hyung,” He says as he catches his breath.

“Beomgyu,” Soobin finally moves from his spot and approaches the younger boy. The latter is taken by surprise when Soobin pulls him into a tight hug. He doesn’t hesitate to snake his arms around the taller boy’s waist and hug him back.

“This was unexpected,” Beomgyu says against his ear, “Did you miss home?”

He feels Soobin’s head shake, “I missed you,” The older boy says.

Beomgyu’s eyebrows raise in surprise, “It’s only been a week, hyung.”

“I know.” Soobin sighs.

Slowly, they separate from the hug. Soobin asks if they can take a walk and Beomgyu agrees, letting him lead the way under the dark and starry night sky.

They walk far enough from the convenience store that the only lights they walk under are the lamp posts. The lights are orange-tinted, making Soobin’s skin look warm as Beomgyu looks at him.

“Did something come up, hyung?” Beomgyu asks.

Soobin takes a while to answer. “Gyu,” He starts.

“Yeah?”

“If you like someone who’s close to you, would you risk it and tell them? Or would you keep it to yourself?”

Beomgyu feels his heart drop. _Oh._ Soobin came home because he was troubled. With _love_. His hyung finally found someone else over the course of that short week. He wonders what kind of person they are. He wonders what made Soobin fall in love with that person.

The younger boy is careful to give his answer, “I think if I held it back long enough, I’d break and finally tell them.”

Soobin looks up at the night sky. The skies are clear and the stars are out, looking brighter than it does whenever the boy stays at his dorm. The stars are always brighter in Ansan.

“I see.” The boy says.

Beomgyu can’t find anything to say in reply, so he lets the silence settle over them. They pass by a few more houses when Soobin speaks again.

“Gyu,” The older boy’s voice sounds a little too small, “I wasn’t being completely honest that morning.”

Beomgyu looks perplexed, “That morning?”

“The morning after we... kissed.” Soobin looks away in embarrassment.

Beomgyu feels his breath hitch. He thought that Soobin wouldn’t want to ever bring it up anymore.

“What do you mean?” He asks.

Soobin stops walking and Beomgyu follows. They stand under the tall lamp post.

“I’m not sorry about it,” Soobin says, “And maybe I shouldn’t have done that, but I don’t want to regret it.”

Beomgyu’s eyebrows come together to form a frown on his face, “I don’t really know where you’re going with this...”

He studies Soobin’s eyes in an attempt to understand him better, but all he can tell is that the boy is looking pretty anxious.

“What I’m saying is,” Soobin pauses for a moment. He takes a heavy breath.

“Gyu, I think I’m probably in love with you.”

In an instant, Beomgyu starts to feel his heart beating faster. He’s overcome with a surge of emotions that he doesn’t know what to say in reply. _In love_. _With you._ It was an idea that had seemed so unfathomable to him.

It’s as if Soobin had just turned Beoomgyu’s whole world upside down. More so than he did when they first met each other at the convenience store a couple houses behind them.

Soobin waits for Beomgyu to react, to say anything. When he doesn’t, Soobin tries to explain himself.

“I...” Soobin starts, “Remember when I said that there isn’t anyone that I like in my university?”

Beomgyu wills himself to nod his head in agreement. That was on the same day that they kissed.

“It’s because the person I like is back here at home. It’s you.” Soobin says, “Beomgyu, I’ve probably liked you ever since I accidentally ran you over with my bicycle and dragged you to the convenience store to patch you up. I’ve liked you when you told me to meet you outside of your room on the next day of class. I’ve liked you when you let me cry to you on the nights that I felt overly insecure. When you cried with me, I think I liked you even more. I don’t know when I fell in love with you, but somewhen over the course of those years, I started to love you.”

Beomgyu can barely find the words to say, “Why... why didn’t you tell me?”

Soobin finds it in himself to laugh, “I thought I would get over it. I thought that when I move to Seoul, I’d stop having feelings for my best friend. I was wrong, of course. Every day, I still missed you. If I had a rough day at uni, I still made it through ‘cause I knew that when I get home, I’d be able to call you and hear your voice. The distance was nothing to me. So here I am, still stupidly in love with you.”

The younger boy doesn’t say anything. He just stares at Soobin with his shock clear on his face.

Soobin hesitantly grabs his hand, as if testing the waters. “Can you say something, Gyu? Anything...”

Beomgyu takes a deep breath, “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to tell you that I love you.”

Soobin’s eyes widen, like he was expecting Beomgyu to say anything but that.

“Is it okay if I kiss you, hyung?”

Soobin doesn’t say anything anymore – he takes it to himself to lean down and press their mouths together. It’s a little messy at first; their teeth clash a bit and their mouths meet in an awkward angle, but Beomgyu tilts his head to make them more comfortable.

The kiss is much different from their first one. While the first was quick but intimate, this one is longer and more passionate. Beomgyu pours his pent-up frustration into the kiss. _Finally,_ after years, he doesn’t have to hide anything anymore. This is what he has wanted for so long. The frustration he’s held in for so long, the chains he always felt closing in on his throat whenever Soobin was too close, the distant ache he felt in his chest – they’re finally gone. He doesn’t have to hide his feelings anymore. It’s all out in the open now, and Soobin returns it all.

As they kiss, all of Beomgyu’s worries fade away.

When they finally pull away, they’re a little breathless.

“What does this make us?” Beomgyu asks after a while.

“Whatever you want us to be.” Soobin gives him a small smile.

Beomgyu pretends to think for a moment, “I’d say... boyfriends?” His lips curl into a wide smile.

Soobin nods, pulling him closer once again. They kiss through their giggles under the starry night sky, on the street where they first met.

They head home not long after. Beomgyu accommodates Soobin for the night since his visit was unexpected. Together, they try to fit themselves in the small bed with big smiles on their faces.

Beomgyu falls asleep with his heart feeling a thousand times much lighter than it did when he first moved to Ansan.

_Who do you think of_

_When you sing about love?_

Two months later, Beomgyu sits with his classmates in front of the stage at the school’s auditorium. A couple of rows behind him sits Soobin, waiting for him to receive his diploma.

Beomgyu’s name gets called and he walks up the stage to take his diploma. When he stands in front of the crowd to take a bow, he easily finds Soobin and gives him the biggest smile.

The ceremony ends and like a tradition, Beomgyu stays to take pictures with his friends while Soobin waits for him. From time to time, Beomgyu meets Soobin’s eyes and he sheepishly smiles as a way to apologize for making him wait for so long.

Finally, Beomgyu is able to escape from all the other students that he’s not close enough with to bother taking pictures with. He approaches Soobin.

“Your parents told me that they’re waiting in the driveway.” Soobin says as he hands Beomgyu a bottle of water.

Beomgyu nods and opens the bottle and downs half of the contents.

“Can we head up to the rooftop? It’s a bit stuffy in here.” He says.

They make their way to the rooftop, just like they had at Soobin’s graduation. Up there, the sight isn’t any different from the graduation the previous year. The students are bustling around the field, scrambling to take pictures with everyone. Beomgyu lets out a sigh of relief, glad that he’s finally out of there.

“I told you that you’d make it.” Soobin says.

Beomgyu smiles, “I guess you were right.”

“I’m really proud of you, Gyu.” Soobin faces him.

“Thank you, hyung.”

“College is next,”

Beomgyu nods, “I know.”

“You should move in with me.”

Beomgyu pauses, “I thought dorms were assigned randomly?”

“Oh,” Soobin laughs, his dimples popping out, “I’ve been saving up from my part time job so we can move to an apartment... if that’s okay with you?”

Beomgyu nods enthusiastically, “Of course. It’s okay with me, hyung. More than okay.”

Soobin’s tensed shoulders drop into a more relaxed form, “I almost thought you’d say no.”

“Of course, I’d want to move in with you. Isn’t that what we promised even before you graduated?” Beomgyu teases.

Soobin’s face turns into a light shade of red, “Well, I just thought that, y’know...”

Beomgyu laughs airily, “That it’s different since we started dating? You don’t need to worry, hyung. Nothing has changed other than that – we’ve already established that.”

The shade of red becomes deeper on Soobin’s face. Despite the two dating for a couple months already, he’s still a bit shy whenever they come across the topic.

“Anyways,” The older boy changes the topic, “I’m glad. That you agreed.”

“I’m glad that you asked.” Beomgyu turns to face him, “You know that I love you, right?”

“You tell me everyday,” Soobin takes his hand by his side and squeezes it, “And you know that I love you just as much, right? Even more, actually.”

“I know. And that’s impossible.” Beomgyu giggles, “Stop trying to compete against my love.”

Soobin laughs as he pulls Beomgyu into a kiss.

If someone told Beomgyu a year ago that in the following year, he’ll be kissing Soobin as his boyfriend, he probably would have laughed in disbelief. Soobin liking him back had seemed so impossible back then. However, Beomgyu realized that he was far too focused on refusing to entertain that idea to prevent himself from risking their friendship that he failed to consider that it _was_ possible with the way Soobin was acting with him, especially in his last year of high school.

In the moment, Beomgyu couldn’t be happier than ever. Maybe they wasted too many years leaving too many things unsaid, but in the end, everything worked out in their favor. Maybe it was only right that Beomgyu held back from saying anything in all those years because Soobin wasn’t ready to acknowledge his feelings yet. Maybe it was only right that he didn’t confess a year ago on the day of Soobin’s graduation.

Either way, he’s glad that everything ended up with a good outcome – the greatest one, at that.

Now, he’s about to face a new chapter of his life. It’s scary, but with Soobin beside him, Beomgyu believes that he can probably make it through anything knowing that at the end of the day, he’ll be coming home to Soobin.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!
> 
> kudos and feedback are very much appreciated <3
> 
> find me on twitter! @minizode


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